I know I said that I would try to be more positive. But sometimes the bad just comes out.
I know none of this is oh so awful, but today I couldn't help but dwell on the things I wish I had...or things I wish were different for me.
I've decided to just bitch it out on here, so I can get it out of my system and start to feel better again.
I wish I wasn't so poor. And by poor, I mean poor by American standards. I know I should be thankful for the life I have, but sometimes, living in this country, being the bottom rung...it is really really hard. Like, when you realize you have to apply for Food Stamps...but you know they probably won't accept you because you make minimum wage and apparently that is too much.
Or when you can tell the radiator on your 4th piece of shit car is going to go out this summer, and you know there's no way in fucking hell you're going to have the money.
Or when you just want to fly to Portland to see your two best friends, but you think you should probably spend your school money on that radiator, so you'll have a way to get to work and maybe stay afloat.
It's instances like those stated above that make me really hate my dad for dying. That sounds really fucking selfish, I know...and as if he had a say in the matter.. I KNOW. But its fucking hard sometimes. And its not even about the money. Sometimes I just need some advice...some of whatever dad's do. I don't even remember what that is...
And on top of it all, I've such a worry-wort that these things send me down a spiraling oblivion of crazy mind-numbing shit.
Sometimes do you ever feel like someone is being something they don't necessarily want to be, FOR YOU? I feel that way. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to force someone to be something they're not.
So, if shit didn't get too personal for you, I applaud your patience.
And I know I KNOW, things will get better, everything happens for a reason blah blah.
SOMETIMES you just gotta get the shit OUT....in order to let some good stuff in.
Thanks for listening loves, and I promise to keep it more positive...and I promise to stop cussing like a sailor.
I just really needed to talk.
Love you.
Sometimes shit does just need to come out. Better let it out in the open than bottle it inside. I especially support you writing about it because I know that, for me anyway, writing it down sometimes helps me to take a step back and evaluate my situation. I'm sorry you're having problems with money - I don't make this public on my blog or FB, but we are as well. Financial struggles are the worst kind. Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever get out of our bind, and just as I'm wondering that, SOMETHING ELSE freaking happens. I don't know how we always end up scraping by, but we do. Don't give up hope yet. Don't dwell, it won't help. Find solace in the little things in life and say 'screw you' to the crappy things. It gets better. I don't know how, but it always does. Feel better <3 <3 <3
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ReplyDeleteThank you for reminding me that I'll be okay. Sometimes it just seems like everyone else is doing so well..and you're the only one struggling. Thank you for sharing with me, I needed to know that I wasn't alone.
<3