This is the first day of my life...

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.

This post is for my Liza Love.  She asked me to email her pictures...but I wanted to caption and stuff.  Here you go Liza.  I love you.

First, here is an Amarillo sunset, just in case you forgot what they looked like.

This is jimmy looking old...but I really like the picture.

This was Delaney's balloon release.  Do you see them all rising into the sunset?  It was a very touching moment.  Sort of caught your breath.

Me and Jim, doing what we ALWAYS do.  Lay in bed.

The new tattoo.  It was bleeding and still in plastic.

This is Sassy.  She is BIG.  Isn't she cute though?

Me and Anna at the pool.  I just look really cute...only reason I posted this one.

Mom, me and Bobo.  My mom is ridiculous.  Does she ever age?  She's hotter than I am.

MESSY!  Apparently she said something really funny.  Or, I was just really drunk.

 Messy again.

 Me and Jim, looking solemn as usual

 My two favorite boys.  <3<3

POOP!!!!

This is Reese, Summer and Orlando's baby boy.  I know Hannah hasn't seen him yet..isn't he cute?

 This is Liberty, Oreo's little kitten.  She is so small.  and SO CUTE.

Poop likes fruit bars.

Scotney and I found this picture of Ashtow the other day.  HAHAHA!

This is Jacob, Ian's baby boy.  I freaking LOVE him.  He is so cute.

My favorite picture of Jimmy EVER.

Poop's in the kitchen, just making some cookies.

Happy.

Amelia!  Isn't she getting big!?

Oreo and I.  Love this picture.

Found this the other day too.  I fucking love you Elizabeth.

That's it.  Now send me some pictures of your doog!

What a beautiful face I have found in this place...

That is circling all round' the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all..

If you're not into sappy love stuff, I'd stop reading right now if I were you.

 When I was younger, any time I'd see a shooting star, or blow an eyelash off my finger I'd make one simple wish - "I wish for someone to love, and to love me." In my teenage years, I always got so damned depressed; seeing my beautiful girlfriends with a different boyfriend every month. I always thought I was inadequate, that I would be alone forever. My darling Elizabeth always consoled me on lonely nights. She would tell me I was lucky - lucky to not deal with countless, meaningless relationships. She said that when I found someone, she was sure he would be the one for me, forever. I've always thought her words were things of magic...but it's been proven true. I am head-over-heals in love with Jimmy Lee Seymour III.




I know this is cliche, and everyone says it..but I swear the first time I saw Jim, I knew I had to make him mine. Call it intuition, or psychic ability, call it whatever you want. But I KNEW.


Our relationship is far from perfect...but that's what makes it so perfect. Real love is stupid arguments - him not doing dishes, me being a typical Capricorn, having to control EVERYTHING. Real love is telling each other to fuck off every once in awhile. Real love is random kisses on the forehead, and talking about the meaning of life. Real love is helping the other, without expecting anything in return. It's starting the shower for him every morning so he can wake up. It's snuggling me every night so I can go to sleep, even though he's not tired.

 I don't know what the future holds for me, but man, I just can't see me without him.

 So - I've dedicated the month of March to showing my man how much I love him. And this is the beginning. I love you poop-butt. <3 Yep, that IS how you make a heart.

I look like such a 'tard in this, but he looks stinkin' cute.

So I should be studying...

But who likes to study?  I don't.

This post is gonna be some really random ...okay?  Glad you're excited.

First of all, before I start this topic - please don't say "I'm sorry."  Because I'm not sorry.
My Granny passed away on Saturday...Although I've experienced more death in my few short years here on earth than most people do in their lifetime...I have never seen anyone take their last breath.
And to be quite honest with you, it was strangely beautiful.
It was incredible to see someone willfully, and peacefully let go.
My granny was fucking hilarious, strong, and kind of a hard bitch sometimes.  I remember staying weekends at her house with my cousins; eating cinnamon toast and watching disney movies or playing Donkey Kong all damn day.  And let me tell you - Granny was a BADASS at some Donkey Kong.
She would sing me this song:
"Mares eat oats and does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy.  Kids will eat ivy too, wouldn't you?"
pronounced
"Maresy dotes and dosey dotes and little lambs eat ivy.  Kids'll eat ivy too, wouldn't you?"
Took me YEARS to figure that one out.

Basically, these past two weeks have been tough to say the least.  And today, I've been feeling pretty guilty..which is normal I guess.  It took this sort of thing to make me realize how much I really love my Dad's side of my family...I think avoiding them was the easiest way to avoid the absence of my dad...
Let's be honest, that's pretty shitty and selfish.
You can't change the past, you can only change today, and I've made a resolution to spend more time with them.  Because even though they're bat shit crazy, I can totally relate to it.  And even though they talk about my dad all the time and I hate it...I need to stop avoiding it.  I need to DEAL.  I need to see my other half.  I need to find myself in them. Despite all this, I think they're wonderful, hilarious and inspiring...and THE most giving people I've ever experienced.


That was really nice to get out.  Thanks for listening.

On some lighter notes:

The limit of my love for you as time approaches infinity does not exist

I love math.  I want those shirts.  SO BAD!

And here's a little jig for you to enjoy:

http://youtu.be/9o8Zz3PeODg

Love Lady Gaga acoustic.

Love you darlings!

Boys, boys, all types of boys - black, white, Puerto Rican, Chinese boys.

I love Missy Elliot.  Hence the title of this post.  But, I love sexy men more than I love Missy Elliot.

Today I have not been feeling very good.  So, I was laying on the couch switching between Keeping Up With the Kardashians (don't judge me!) and The Daily Show thinking to myself "Man, John Stewart is so sexy." and "Jeebus, Scott Disick is so sexy!"

So, I thought I would write a little post about my top three celebrity crushes.

3.) Scott Disick
He's sharp, he's sophisticated, he's the mediator in all catty sister bitch fights.  And dammit, he's just so damn dapper.

Grrowwl.  Look at those loafers!

2.) John Stewart.  mmm  Do I really have to explain myself on this one?  He's handsome, educated, charming and most importantly, HILARIOUS.

1.) Drum roll please...the man of my dreams....the apple of my eye.  Mr. Tom Hanks.  When I tell my friends how in love with this man I actually am, most of them cringe.  I don't get it.  He's not the most symmetrical looking person, but he's so damn cute.  He's so damn charming.  Shit, he can make you cry over a freaking volleyball.  Have you seen him in You've Got Mail?!?!  "Don't cry shopgirl, don't cry."  Ahlawd have mercy on me.  He makes me melt.

There you have it.  You can't sit there and tell me you don't have a mad crush on Heath Ledger or the Hanson Brothers....I mean, Jake Gyllenhaal.  Just because you have a husband/boyfriend doesn't mean you have completely lost your eyesight.  Believe me, your husband/boyfriend has a crush on Mila Kunis or Natalie Portman. BET!

C'mon, tell me - who's your celebrity crush?

I have to go watch You've Got Mail now.

Love you!

Sometimes you just gotta whine.

I know I said that I would try to be more positive.  But sometimes the bad just comes out.

I know none of this is oh so awful, but today I couldn't help but dwell on the things I wish I had...or things I wish were different for me.

I've decided to just bitch it out on here, so I can get it out of my system and start to feel better again.

I wish I wasn't so poor.  And by poor, I mean poor by American standards.  I know I should be thankful for the life I have, but sometimes, living in this country, being the bottom rung...it is really really hard.  Like, when you realize you have to apply for Food Stamps...but you know they probably won't accept you because you make minimum wage and apparently that is too much.
Or when you can tell the radiator on your 4th piece of shit car is going to go out this summer, and you know there's no way in fucking hell you're going to have the money.
Or when you just want to fly to Portland to see your two best friends, but you think you should probably spend your school money on that radiator, so you'll have a way to get to work and maybe stay afloat.

It's instances like those stated above that make me really hate my dad for dying.  That sounds really fucking selfish, I know...and as if he had a say in the matter.. I KNOW.  But its fucking hard sometimes.  And its not even about the money.  Sometimes I just need some advice...some of whatever dad's do.  I don't even remember what that is...

And on top of it all, I've such a worry-wort that these things send me down a spiraling oblivion of crazy mind-numbing shit.

Sometimes do you ever feel like someone is being something they don't necessarily want to be, FOR YOU?  I feel that way.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to force someone to be something they're not.

So, if shit didn't get too personal for you, I applaud your patience.
And I know I KNOW,  things will get better, everything happens for a reason blah blah.

SOMETIMES you just gotta get the shit OUT....in order to let some good stuff in.

Thanks for listening loves, and I promise to keep it more positive...and I promise to stop cussing like a sailor.

I just really needed to talk.


Love you.

Ten Things.

I have decided to be a tad bit more positive lately.  Every Monday or Tuesday, I'll post ten things I'm really super happy about, or things I love.
We'll see how this works out.....

1)

This guy.  He's generally a pain in the ass, but most times he can be pretty sweet and lovable.

2) A great man that teaches me love, patience, curiosity and understanding every day.

3) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs&noredirect=1

This woman in this video.  I will never know her, but she changed my life.  And she's so damn cute!

4) My Morning Jacket. 

5) My engineering class.  My professor jumped back when I told him I wanted to be an Environmental Engineer...and then we bonded over our Volvos.  Cute.

6) This little squirt.  He's really sassy and super freaking cute.  He's my nephew and I sure do like him a lot lately.  He really knows how to make a girl laugh.  Watch out ladies.

7) Spending time with Katie Noel Cantrell.  I missed her.

8) Spending time with myself.  I missed her.

9) My semi clean house.  Its really nice...and it smells good too!

10) Right now, I'm loving my cat batting a cigarette butt ALL over the house.  

Fucking weirdo.  Oh crap now its in my shoes.....

Love you.

Dreams

Soft and sweet
My dreams tell me that I am mortified, petrified, terrified
Angry that the former continues to torture me
Powdered paints, oil, and fingers put my thoughts on canvas
I heard once that geniuses choose green
I saw once a lie in your eyes
and too much of my color breeds anger.
Would you take me anywhere?

Stop.

Awake for 48 hours
Asleep for 24
with warmth and touch thrown somewhere amidst it all.

The russian sings
"An incurable humanist you are.  Let's go to the movies.  I will write you a song about nothing at all."
She sings
"An incurable humanist you are.  Loveology. You-ology. me-ology. kiss-ology. stay-ology. please-ology. Let's study. sit down."
Teeth cleaned
red paint above my scarred eyebrow
just like my brothers.
And my mother, oh my mother, ours is a tragic story.

Can you help me forgive it all?  Forgive her, and the former, and myself?
Please. stay.

My dreams had no color last night, and they were not lucid as usual.
I have no control of wandering eyes or nervous hands

Dogs scream as the saint walks throught the door